Author: A Moon
Allie also writes at: https://alliemoonjourney.wordpress.com/
Cancer Fog
The usual me, although a little ditsy at times, is usually a very together person – organised, driven, determined, detail-focused and on top of things. From the point of being diagnosed, a piece of that person has disappeared a little. I’m unable to take in or store lots of information – I have to have things explained to me more than once, and even then it stays there only temporarily. It could be down to “chemo brain”, but as I had it from the point of diagnosis I suspect not. I’m only able to pick up on certain things or key words as my mind is generally filled with 101 different questions at any point in time about varying things and worries to do with cancer and treatment.
Chemotherapy and Hair Loss
The way chemotherapy is portrayed in the media does not always accurately reflect how it is in reality. Whilst I know many people face a terrible experience of it, I really thought I’d be completely bed-ridden or have my head down the loo being constantly sick all the time. Whilst I am coping with the chemotherapy treatments better than I’d imagined I have found it very tough emotionally and psychologically. Out of the side effects I’ve had, the worst has been losing my hair. This is a difficult process for anyone of any age or gender, but particularly more so for women. My hair is a part of who I am, how I present myself to world and what makes me feel feminine. When it started to come out I wanted to hide away from the world, I didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone and didn’t want them to see me. Hair loss can have such a negative impact on your self-confidence and body image, leading to introversion, depression, feelings of unattractiveness and at times it's been hard to cope functioning normally on a day-to-day basis.
I had tried as hard as I could to mentally prepare myself for losing my hair, but in reality nothing can really prepare you for how it feels when it starts to come out. Two weeks after I'd had my first chemo treatment my scalp started to feel a little tingly and a bit itchy. In the days that followed I noticed quite a few strands coming out and then almost a week after when I washed my hair, absolutely loads started to come out. I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I wanted to be as strong and as positive as I could be trying to deal with this whole experience. I think when I started to lose my hair all the feelings and emotions I'd had inside about having cancer all came bubbling up to the surface and out like molten lava from a volcano. I became even more aware of my situation and started to deal with the emotions perhaps I had previously been numb to. I felt like I was not only grieving for my hair, but also grieving for the person who I used to be. The reality of the start of this process was much harder than I ever imagined. As silly as it sounds, having lived with having cancer and all the low points it has encompassed over the last five months, I think it really hit me that I was officially a cancer patient – soon to be balding – no disguising the fact now. I felt down at the bottom low.
Loving Kindness, Support, Positivity and Gratitude
The path I've been walking over the last few months has been fraught with worry, fear, stress, pain, anxiety and sheer fright. But whilst the path has been a hard one to travel, it has shined a light on the many special, down right amazing and kind and caring people who I'm lucky to have in my life.
Without my husband by my side these last few months this would definitely have been an even more horrid experience. He has been my absolute rock and guardian angel – caring for me, holding me in his arms, comforting me in my darkest hours and holding my hand every step of the way. Whilst we had a very happy and strong relationship before I was diagnosed, I certainly feel it's brought us even closer together. My family and friends have also been amazing – no words can describe how grateful I am for the care, thought and support they’ve shown me. My employers have been incredibly supportive throughout all of this and I can’t thank them enough for their kindness and generosity. I feel truly blessed to have such kind, caring and supportive friends, family and colleagues.
A very dear friend moved me to tears when she surprised me with the fact that she’d been fundraising amongst my friends, family and work colleagues. This was so I could choose whichever wig I felt most comfortable wearing without having to worry about how much it would cost. Their very kind donations have enabled me to leave my house and try to brave the world in what is this ‘”new normal” for me. They’ve all helped in making the huge mountain I’m climbing that little bit easier, ultimately helping helped me stick two fingers up to this dastardly disease. As well as many of the more insignificant happenings of life that suck up our energy, I certainly won’t ever be complaining about bad hair days in the future!
I realise that I’m fortunate to not have had a worse diagnosis, and that is due to the fact that I found the lump early enough that it hadn’t spread elsewhere in my body. For everyone reading this blog, please, please make sure you regularly check your breasts so you know what normal feels like. If you feel something that is not right - don’t sit and wait on it – act now.
Showing posts with label Hair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hair. Show all posts
Saturday, 17 October 2015
Breast cancer awareness month: Fried egg problems, part 2 - chemo hair loss.
Author: Better Days
Chemo hair loss:
17 May: Oh fuck... I think the hair is gonna start falling out, my head feels tingly n every time I brush my fingers through it a strand or two comes out, sounds daft but yeah. My scalp just feels different, tingly n sore. Oh fuck better get my arse to the wig shop this week. Oh well least I will have super smooth legs all summer and my toiletry bill will reduce. Really really wanna stomp my feet like a toddler and say no it's mine, get off!!
For Fuck Sake its only hair, guess it's nearly time to gear up to getting it shaved off. I don't wanna play anymore, other than the hair I was feeling really good lol yeah just Fuck!
19 May: Well the hair is hanging in there for now, it is coming out but slowly. Just straightened it and it took 10 minutes. That's a first normally takes about 30 minutes or more.
It still looks ok just really thin for my hair. I would like to apologise to my hair for all the years of moaning about it being too thick.
Plus side, new baseball cap and I WILL go wig shop tomorrow without putting it off or finding an excuse or something else to do.
23 May: Well it's definitely started, the hair is coming out eekk, it's not in clumps but strands and there's a really thin bit at the front. If I run my hands through it hair comes out so guess it's watch this space now and thank the sports gods for baseball caps!!
The weird bit is the itchness and I'm talking about the lady garden - it's itchy, where the hair is and feckin annoying. It appears that the itch means the hair is falling out. I've looked like a women with a serious infection or something today having a good itch, good job I've been at home for most of the day, as people would think I was a crazy lady!! Ok maybe too much info but its annoying and funny at the same time.
Now off to drink my stella and collect the random strands of hair that are around the house!
24 May: Wow you don't even have to pull on the hair, just touch it and it just comes out in your hand, it's everywhere. Think I'm beating the dog on the malting stakes. It's horrible having your hand full of hair and feck me it hurts - the top of my head just hurts - I should be thinking it's only hair and if this is the worst side effect than I should be grateful. Baseball cap is on, glass of wine in hand and trying my best to find the silver lining on this one. Even though you know it's gonna happen, it don't make it any easier when it does. Guess within a week I'm gonna look like a cancer patient and a bit of a twat in a headscarf lol. Now where's that wine- at least there's no bald spots just yet.
25 May: To shave or malt is what's being considered today. Will save having to watch it fall out, picking it all up and might stop the head hurting and piles of hair thinking time.
26 May: Trying to stay positive when your scalp feels like it's ready to peel off. Ouch. That is all.
29 May: Well the bitch cant be called boring, this week has seen hair loss, chemo clinic and bloods. The good old rollercoaster of emotions in full swing. The hair loss - you can now see my scalp, it's actually whiter than my legs! It aint a good look but heyho that's the bitch. I'm trying to not let it get me down but yer that's hard when everywhere you look there's strands of hair or you look in a mirror, I will get used to I guess and its gonna grow back so for now its hats n scarfs. I know I need to face the world and get out, let people stare.
Chemo hair loss:
17 May: Oh fuck... I think the hair is gonna start falling out, my head feels tingly n every time I brush my fingers through it a strand or two comes out, sounds daft but yeah. My scalp just feels different, tingly n sore. Oh fuck better get my arse to the wig shop this week. Oh well least I will have super smooth legs all summer and my toiletry bill will reduce. Really really wanna stomp my feet like a toddler and say no it's mine, get off!!
For Fuck Sake its only hair, guess it's nearly time to gear up to getting it shaved off. I don't wanna play anymore, other than the hair I was feeling really good lol yeah just Fuck!
19 May: Well the hair is hanging in there for now, it is coming out but slowly. Just straightened it and it took 10 minutes. That's a first normally takes about 30 minutes or more.
It still looks ok just really thin for my hair. I would like to apologise to my hair for all the years of moaning about it being too thick.
Plus side, new baseball cap and I WILL go wig shop tomorrow without putting it off or finding an excuse or something else to do.
23 May: Well it's definitely started, the hair is coming out eekk, it's not in clumps but strands and there's a really thin bit at the front. If I run my hands through it hair comes out so guess it's watch this space now and thank the sports gods for baseball caps!!
The weird bit is the itchness and I'm talking about the lady garden - it's itchy, where the hair is and feckin annoying. It appears that the itch means the hair is falling out. I've looked like a women with a serious infection or something today having a good itch, good job I've been at home for most of the day, as people would think I was a crazy lady!! Ok maybe too much info but its annoying and funny at the same time.
Now off to drink my stella and collect the random strands of hair that are around the house!
24 May: Wow you don't even have to pull on the hair, just touch it and it just comes out in your hand, it's everywhere. Think I'm beating the dog on the malting stakes. It's horrible having your hand full of hair and feck me it hurts - the top of my head just hurts - I should be thinking it's only hair and if this is the worst side effect than I should be grateful. Baseball cap is on, glass of wine in hand and trying my best to find the silver lining on this one. Even though you know it's gonna happen, it don't make it any easier when it does. Guess within a week I'm gonna look like a cancer patient and a bit of a twat in a headscarf lol. Now where's that wine- at least there's no bald spots just yet.
25 May: To shave or malt is what's being considered today. Will save having to watch it fall out, picking it all up and might stop the head hurting and piles of hair thinking time.
26 May: Trying to stay positive when your scalp feels like it's ready to peel off. Ouch. That is all.
29 May: Well the bitch cant be called boring, this week has seen hair loss, chemo clinic and bloods. The good old rollercoaster of emotions in full swing. The hair loss - you can now see my scalp, it's actually whiter than my legs! It aint a good look but heyho that's the bitch. I'm trying to not let it get me down but yer that's hard when everywhere you look there's strands of hair or you look in a mirror, I will get used to I guess and its gonna grow back so for now its hats n scarfs. I know I need to face the world and get out, let people stare.
Breast cancer awareness month: Hair!
Author: Bev
'Crowning Glory', 'Barnet', 'Locks', 'Mane', Thatch', 'Tresses'...need I go on? Just a few words used to describe that stuff on top of our heads. Many people love it, some pay little attention to it. It's just there, taken for granted mostly.
I know from speaking to many others that the first thought that crosses many women's minds when they're told those fateful words “I'm sorry - it's cancer”, is often “Will I lose my hair?” I'm definitely not one of them...as I found out when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2014 at the age of 41. In fact, my initial reaction was to tell the surgeon to 'take whatever you need, just get rid of it'!
When I saw my oncologist for the first time, he did ask if I wanted to use a 'cold cap' during chemo – and I think he was very relieved when I replied with a definite no! Firstly, I wanted to be in hospital as little as possible, which ruled out the cold cap as you are there for a period of time before and after your chemotherapy. Secondly, I really didn't fancy the idea of sitting with basically a freezing cold hat on my head whilst being pumped full of poison. Now that is just me – I know of ladies who have successfully cold capped and am slightly in awe of their determination to keep their hair.
I have had the same hairstyle for about the last 20 years – if not longer. This was mostly due to laziness and the fact that I was a little bit scared to change it. It was much easier to keep what I had. In fact, I used to hide behind my fringe! So whilst the idea that I would lose my hair was a little strange to get used to, in a way I was curious as to what I'd look like.
The day before I started chemotherapy, I made a visit to the hairdressers. I'd left it to the last possible moment on the off chance that someone would ring me up and say that I'd get to keep my hair! I was her last client of the day and she locked the door so it was just the two of us in the salon. I'd already decided to donate my hair to the Little Princess Trust, who make wigs out of real hair for children with cancer and hair loss. I'd figured if it was coming out anyway someone may as well get some use out of it! So we sectioned and measured my hair to make sure it was all long enough to donate and I sat and watched in the mirror as my hair ended up in a style resembling a mullet!! What hair was left was cut into some semblance of (very short) style and gelled up! I had so many comments saying how the short hair suited me. I did go out and buy the biggest hoop earrings I could find...maybe that was my way of still feeling feminine? The lazy person inside of me loved the fact that it was so much quicker in the shower in the morning! Given the choice, I would probably still have the same long hair now that I used to, but that choice was taken away from me. I felt oddly released!
Day 15 after my first chemo...Christmas Day 2014. I noticed my hair was starting to come out. By the following day my head felt really uncomfortable – like I'd had a really tight ponytail. We were off out to our usual Boxing Day panto that afternoon so I asked my lovely husband to get the hair clippers out and he took my hair down to a Grade 1. My girls (aged 8 and 10 at that time) were fascinated. I think it helped that I didn't get upset. In fact, it was quite fascinating to see my head emerge from under all that hair! I have looked on the many changes to my body as an interested spectator – unable to change what was happening and curious to see what I would find underneath as all the layers were stripped off. As it was Christmas I wore a tinsel wig to the panto. I was waiting for comments, but the only person who even seemed to notice was a young child who thought it was quite cool that my hair was tinsel. Maybe everyone else thought I was just getting into the Christmas spirit?!
A couple of days later, fed up with finding stubble on my pillow and in my food I got my husband to shave my head. I was too nervous to do it. It was so very smooth afterwards that I couldn't stop stroking my head! Yes I know it's weird...but so is having no hair! I lathered on cocoa butter to keep it moisturised...my new version of brushing my hair!
The one thing that wasn't mentioned by any medical professionals is that it's not just the hair on your head that disappears. The whole lot goes. ALL of it! And it goes at different times. I thought I'd escaped losing my eyelashes and brows, but alas as my head hair started to regrow, my eyelashes and eyebrows did a disappearing act. And the nose hairs disappeared too. So if you ever see someone undergoing treatment constantly rubbing their eyes and wiping their nose it's probably not because they're upset. All these hairs are so under-appreciated. It's not until they've gone that you realise just how much they do for you!
I wasn't shy about my cancer – that included my baldness. I posted a photo on facebook as soon as I'd shaved the remnants off just so that I didn't have to see people's reactions to me having no hair. So many commented that I have a lovely shaped head and suited the bald look!! With encouragement from my friends from the Younger Breast Cancer Network, I even braved taking my hat off in the middle of a busy shop. Again, nobody made a comment or even seemed to pay the slightest bit of attention! Maybe there was something in my eyes daring people to comment?! It would seem that losing my hair gave me a bit of attitude...or maybe that was the cancer? Whatever it was, I never had a negative reaction. I'm lucky – I know some of my friends have had.
The obvious downside to losing your hair was that it suddenly felt chilly! I had handmade hats sent to me by people I didn't know at all. I also had a friend make me some gorgeous headscarves.
I had chosen a wig prior to starting chemo, but I never wore it. It wasn't down to the wig...in fact it was a lovely wig and looked very similar to my old hair. I just felt so self conscious in it, like I was trying to be someone I wasn't. So the wig sat looking at me from atop the chest of drawers in the bedroom. My husband has worn it for a laugh more than I have!! Having not worn it, I'm not entirely sure why I feel so reluctant to part with it? Maybe if I keep it the cancer won't come back? Maybe it's my good luck charm?! Silly superstition I know – but cancer is a disease of the mind as much as it is of the body.Now I have to admit that I did gain a bit of a scarf fetish. I had problems passing a shop without buying a new one. I learnt online how to tie them and had so many I could match my head to my outfit!! I even did an impromptu demonstration in scarf tying in a clothes shop one day when a lady asked how I tied my scarf as her friend was having chemo!
Chemotherapy is a really tough treatment. It takes so much out of you. Before I started I felt absolutely fine. It was the chemo that brought me to my knees...but I was determined to eradicate the cancer that may have been lurking in my body. Throughout it you are focused on the last one. I wanted to mark the occasion – a celebration if you like – and approached a photographer to take some photos of my baldy head before my hair starting growing back. Such was my fondness for my smooth scalp! It was the photographer who suggested the henna crown...what could I do but say yes! My hair had started to grow back but it was quite soft and fluffy. My husband thought I was a little crazy to shave it off again for the photo shoot, but it's not something you get the opportunity to do every day, and I knew the henna would look better without any hair. I am very proud of my photos. I look like a different version of me - my body changed quite considerably during treatment – but I can see me in them. And I can see a new improved version of me starting to develop.
I am now 6 months on from finishing chemo. Almost 4 months on from completing radiotherapy. And 8th October will be one year to the day when I had my diagnosis confirmed to me following biopsies on the lump I found in the shower and the enlarged lymph nodes the doctor felt. I am not 100% fit, but I am getting there.
I am now back to having to shave my legs and underarms. My eyelashes have returned to how they used to be, but my eyebrows are thinner. Other hair that used to be curly came back straight...temporarily! The hair on my head has come back curly and grey. Whilst I don't mind the grey, my hair is currently deep red...having already been purple! I'm not 100% happy with the new curls, but I'm not going to complain – I appreciate it growing back! I've even had my first haircut this year!!! My husband is an accomplished colourist! My children think I'm a cool Mum now!
Cancer has generally taught me that life is for living...grab opportunities and don't be afraid to try. I have lost some of my fears and insecurities. My hair is now my new plaything. I shall keep it short as I like it short. I shall keep colouring it because I have hair to colour. If the worst happens and it goes wrong, I can always shave it off and start again. I'm not scared now! Just as I am proud of my scars as they show what I have come through, I have come to realise that my hair doesn't define who I am.
Wednesday, 1 April 2015
The cold cap
Author: Kim F
I was told to take a couple of paracetamol an hour before my appointment, this didn't sound encouraging! So I'm sat in the seat with this fetching hat on my head waiting for switch on...... I didn't have to wait long. As soon as it started up I could hear water swirl around my head and instantly my head went cold. I knew I had to wear it thirty minutes before they started giving me the chemotherapy drugs and this half an hour felt like an eternity! Proper brain freeze. It gave me a headache and I felt sick. A couple of times I wondered to myself if I could carry on but I'm determined and do not like failing. So with gritted teeth I soldiered on. But after about 20 minutes my head must have gone numb and the pain disappeared. Ahhhh, lovely! So thankfully it didn't really hurt for the rest of the time - all throughout the drugs being administered and an hour and a half after that. So you are in hospital two hours longer if you weren't using the cap. If it works, worth it surely!?
About 10 days after my first session I decided to get that haircut. My best friend is a hairdresser so who better to go to! It was quite emotional for both of us because as she washed and cut my hair, it started coming out in small clumps....bugger! I didn't panic though, my hair is quite thick and I had loads I could lose before it noticed. Here is the new hair cut...
I didn't actually lose much more hair that cycle. As it got closer to my next chemo session I started to get nervous, would I be able to do it again or would I quit this time!? I managed to do it again, it hurt a lot more this time though and I was very close to quitting this time. But I carried on and felt extremely glad I managed it again. As my third cycle came around though I started to dread it and every time I thought of the cold cap or even just saw a picture of me in the cap it made me feel physically sick. The third time wasn't actually that bad, I think I had timed the paracetamol just right so I hardly had any pain, result! After the third cycle I was still losing a bit of hair but so far I had no bald patches!
When I was told I was to have
chemotherapy and my hair would fall out my first thought was, that's fine, I'll
do whatever it takes to get rid of the cancer. My breast care nurse mentioned
something called scalp cooling/cold capping that could prevent hair loss.
Apparently it is less than 50% effective and hard work! I was reluctant to try
it saying I wasn't that bothered about losing my hair. My husband had a word
with me asking if maybe I would regret not even trying it. Perhaps I would, so
I agreed to try it.
My hair wasn't that long to start
with but I knew it had to go shorter before I started. I knew I would lose some
hair and I didn't want long hairs everywhere! So this is it before:
I didn't actually get around to
having it cut before my first chemo session, maybe slight denial on my part!
This is me on my first FEC-T cycle, attractive head gear don’t you think!
I think I'm smiling because it's
not switched on yet! There is an outer and inner layer to the hat and you have to
make sure it is TIGHT on your head. Double and triple check it is as tight as
it will go, this will ensure you get the best results. As soon as I looked in
the mirror, this image came to mind....
But others thought of this......
I was told to take a couple of paracetamol an hour before my appointment, this didn't sound encouraging! So I'm sat in the seat with this fetching hat on my head waiting for switch on...... I didn't have to wait long. As soon as it started up I could hear water swirl around my head and instantly my head went cold. I knew I had to wear it thirty minutes before they started giving me the chemotherapy drugs and this half an hour felt like an eternity! Proper brain freeze. It gave me a headache and I felt sick. A couple of times I wondered to myself if I could carry on but I'm determined and do not like failing. So with gritted teeth I soldiered on. But after about 20 minutes my head must have gone numb and the pain disappeared. Ahhhh, lovely! So thankfully it didn't really hurt for the rest of the time - all throughout the drugs being administered and an hour and a half after that. So you are in hospital two hours longer if you weren't using the cap. If it works, worth it surely!?
About 10 days after my first session I decided to get that haircut. My best friend is a hairdresser so who better to go to! It was quite emotional for both of us because as she washed and cut my hair, it started coming out in small clumps....bugger! I didn't panic though, my hair is quite thick and I had loads I could lose before it noticed. Here is the new hair cut...
I didn't actually lose much more hair that cycle. As it got closer to my next chemo session I started to get nervous, would I be able to do it again or would I quit this time!? I managed to do it again, it hurt a lot more this time though and I was very close to quitting this time. But I carried on and felt extremely glad I managed it again. As my third cycle came around though I started to dread it and every time I thought of the cold cap or even just saw a picture of me in the cap it made me feel physically sick. The third time wasn't actually that bad, I think I had timed the paracetamol just right so I hardly had any pain, result! After the third cycle I was still losing a bit of hair but so far I had no bald patches!
The fourth session came and went
and again I felt sick and was left wondering if I could carry on. There was only two to go, of course I could
carry on!! It was only 20 minutes of pain to hopefully keep my hair and so far
so good. When the final one came I was elated, still got shed loads of hair left,
I was a success!! Now I've been saying that the cap gets cold, this is how cold
it gets.....it froze my hair! This is a pic from my last cold cap session!
Even though it was extremely hard
work to get through all 6 cycles of chemo with the cold cap, I am so glad I did.
And I am so glad my husband pushed me to try it! Now I can look in the mirror
and look 'normal' and to everyone else I don't look like a cancer patient. I
think it will definitely help when I have finished treatment and I'm trying to get
back to some sort of normality.
So my top tips for surviving the
cold cap!
Take 2 paracetamol an hour before
you are due to wear the cap.
Keep yourself occupied in the
first 20 mins, I chatted to everyone around me!
Keep accepting cups of tea or coffee.
Tell yourself that it's only the
first 20-30 mins that is the hardest.
In between cycles wash hair once
or twice a week in mild shampoo, I used Simple.
Don't pull on your hair to see if
it is falling out, I got told off numerous times for this!
Don't use a hairdryer or
straighteners.
(this is me a month after my last
chemo, just before my surgery – look at all that hair!)
Thursday, 12 March 2015
The wonderful world of wigs
Author: Christina B
To most women who have breast cancer the thought of wearing a wig fills them with dread and fear of the unknown. The words "free wig" to me however was like music to my ears. Two little words that despite having cancer makes narcissistic chick sit right up and take note. A small bonus in this horrid journey. I'd also heard lots of rumours that the NHS provide around £150 towards wig costs and that you could have your wig professionally styled from Toni And Guy. Way to go NHS!!!
As a black woman prone to regular hair changing and high fashion hair styles I have always dabbled in the false hair/ wig department. I know my younger sister will pull me up on my usage of the word dabble here but hey ho. A new wig free wig sounded like a fabulous idea to me. Without dumbing down the side effects of chemotherapy, hair loss is a distressing part of breast cancer and some women need counselling and really struggle at the prospect of losing their hair. Hair to many woman equates with femininity, beauty and their identity which I understand and fully respect. Many also resent wearing wigs and scarves and head wraps as alternatives. For me however free wigs was certainly a USP of having the disease and I couldn't wait to start on that front. After finding out that chemo was part of my care plan the next day I phoned up my BCN to find out the where/ when and what regarding the wig. I picked up the phone and dialled the number excitedly.
Receptionist- Hello Sheldon unit.
Me- Hello... I'd like to make an appointment to have my free wig please.
Receptionist - Yes can I take your details
Me- Yes it's Christina Bray cue, phone number address etc etc Er can I ask a few questions please?
Receptionist- Yes fire away
Me- Er you know the wig is it made with human hair please?
Receptionist- Yes it is.
Me- Oh lovely yes that's fabulous. Erm I also just wanted to know what colour is the scalp on the wig please as I'm black and I didn't want a pink scalp if that ok so do you offer scalps in different colours please?
(Gosh I couldn't have asked that question more awkwardly if I'd tried. Should have planned that one in my head.)
Receptionist- Yes of course we do. We have a wide range.
Me- Oh lovely yes thank you. Erm is it Remy hair?
Receptionist- I haven't a clue love, I think you know more about it than me why don't you just come to your appointment and ask the specialist?
Me- Erm ok, thank you. goodbye.
I can hardly contain my excitement! Real hair, colour matched scalp! What are voters moaning at? The nhs gives human hair to cancer sufferers! Who knew?! Appointment is booked for Monday and I'm looking forward to it! It feels like I've outsmarted the Big C today because rather than crying and worrying about my hair falling out I'm uber excited about getting a new wig! Cancer 0- Me- 1. Every cloud has a silver lining and this one is silver and sparkly.
(And here it is!.....)
To most women who have breast cancer the thought of wearing a wig fills them with dread and fear of the unknown. The words "free wig" to me however was like music to my ears. Two little words that despite having cancer makes narcissistic chick sit right up and take note. A small bonus in this horrid journey. I'd also heard lots of rumours that the NHS provide around £150 towards wig costs and that you could have your wig professionally styled from Toni And Guy. Way to go NHS!!!
As a black woman prone to regular hair changing and high fashion hair styles I have always dabbled in the false hair/ wig department. I know my younger sister will pull me up on my usage of the word dabble here but hey ho. A new wig free wig sounded like a fabulous idea to me. Without dumbing down the side effects of chemotherapy, hair loss is a distressing part of breast cancer and some women need counselling and really struggle at the prospect of losing their hair. Hair to many woman equates with femininity, beauty and their identity which I understand and fully respect. Many also resent wearing wigs and scarves and head wraps as alternatives. For me however free wigs was certainly a USP of having the disease and I couldn't wait to start on that front. After finding out that chemo was part of my care plan the next day I phoned up my BCN to find out the where/ when and what regarding the wig. I picked up the phone and dialled the number excitedly.
Receptionist- Hello Sheldon unit.
Me- Hello... I'd like to make an appointment to have my free wig please.
Receptionist - Yes can I take your details
Me- Yes it's Christina Bray cue, phone number address etc etc Er can I ask a few questions please?
Receptionist- Yes fire away
Me- Er you know the wig is it made with human hair please?
Receptionist- Yes it is.
Me- Oh lovely yes that's fabulous. Erm I also just wanted to know what colour is the scalp on the wig please as I'm black and I didn't want a pink scalp if that ok so do you offer scalps in different colours please?
(Gosh I couldn't have asked that question more awkwardly if I'd tried. Should have planned that one in my head.)
Receptionist- Yes of course we do. We have a wide range.
Me- Oh lovely yes thank you. Erm is it Remy hair?
Receptionist- I haven't a clue love, I think you know more about it than me why don't you just come to your appointment and ask the specialist?
Me- Erm ok, thank you. goodbye.
I can hardly contain my excitement! Real hair, colour matched scalp! What are voters moaning at? The nhs gives human hair to cancer sufferers! Who knew?! Appointment is booked for Monday and I'm looking forward to it! It feels like I've outsmarted the Big C today because rather than crying and worrying about my hair falling out I'm uber excited about getting a new wig! Cancer 0- Me- 1. Every cloud has a silver lining and this one is silver and sparkly.
(And here it is!.....)
Tuesday, 10 March 2015
Waiting for hair
Author: Andrea P
So this week marks 13 weeks since last chemo. Chemo actually lasted 15 weeks. I cut my hair into a short pixie crop before chemo started and shaved it all off just before second chemo, so I have had no hair for approximately 25 weeks! 25 weeks! By now I thought I would have had an Annie Lennox style full covering of hair, I really did, I actually thought I would have that by Valentines day, but that day came and went, I thought I would have it by the time my cousins came for a visit on the 28th feb, but that wasn’t to be, I thought I would have it by the time of my best friends birthday on the 17th March, we are actually going out to celebrate on the 13th and no that is not to be either.
Oh don’t get me wrong I am not totally bald I do have quite a bit of growth and its quite even all over except for the front section which kind of makes me look like a balding old man, and according to most people my hair growth is really good, normal etc.....but that doesn’t stop me from feeling peed off, fed up and down right jealous of everyone else whose hair seems to be growing or has grown a lot faster than mine! How can this be? I am hairy, yes I will admit I am a very hairy woman – I am one of those people that hair grows really fast, people are always so jealous that I can cut my hair and it can grow long again so quickly, so what’s happened? I don’t get it? Maybe I got caught up in the excitement of all those ladies posting pics on my support group network YBCN whose hair had grown so quick after chemo, full coverings after five, seven, eight weeks! But me, what about me???
I was never even shiny bald, I always had a degree of stubbly bits, I never had that shiny egg head look so how comes ladies with the smooth heads are passing me by with their hair growth? Okay so I have shaved it down 3 times, in December, January and February but it needed to be done, the fluff needed to be gone and it needed to be evened out which it has so I don’t mourn the fluff that is gone by any means but still........why does the front take so long to come in? Why? I wonder this when I am sitting on my sofa of an evening watching my evening tele programmes massaging my head with essential oils which claim to promote healthy hair growth and I am concentrating on that front area – I kid you not I will sit there massaging for hours willing that front bit to come in and catch up with the rest. Every morning I run my fingers along the front section wondering if when I get up and look in the mirror there will be a change, wondering if what everyone says is true ‘it just seems to come in overnight’ well I am still waiting for my overnight miracle.
My bathroom is filled with products for hair growth, Lush new bar, Fast Shampoo and Conditioner, Alpecin Double strength shampoo, Nioxin shampoo and conditioner, Lush roots, Nioxin serum and scalp tonic and Lee Stafford hair growth spray. I mean how many products can one baldy use on ones head? For a while I even resorted to rubbing the holy water my dad bought back from the Monastery in Cyprus (which was meant for me to rub on my bad boob, I think) on my head! Can you imagine being so desperate you are rubbing holy water on your head? I realise I must seem quite mad, and very desperate, but I am sick and tired of waiting. I’ve had cancer for god sake, I’ve been through chemo, surgery and about to embark on a three and a half week course of radiotherapy and have already started Tamoxifen. I just want to be normal now, I am fed up now, sick of wigs and hats, sick of looking sick!
And while I am having a moan why are my eyelashes taking so long to come back too? I’ve had bottom lashes for a few weeks now, the top? Hmmm well they are almost all filled in but sooo short. Again, I am somebody who is usually envied for their long eyelashes, I just want them back and some hair! I’m not fantasising about long flowing locks, I don’t care how short or how long it is, I just want something, just to look normal again.
Maybe it’s because I am so desperate to put this episode behind me and get on with my life, or maybe it’s because I am a vain cow. I know I should be happy that the cancer is gone....for now...who knows what may happen in the future...and that there are many people with more problems to worry about that a bit of hair and I should shut my mouth and be grateful and also be grateful that my hair is growing back very dark – my normal colour and not grey.
All I will say is when you read the chemo handbook and it tells you to expect an even head growth between 3-6 months you should believe it and not got get caught up with some of the miracle stories and pictures you may see because quite frankly it will save you the upset and disappointment when you are not one of the lucky ones and if you are it will be a wonderful surprise you weren’t expecting. I wish I listened more to the girls that told me they didn’t have hair until around month 4 or 5 because I wouldn’t have been so disappointed now! I was convinced I would be one of the lucky ones! People keep telling me to be patient! Patient! I have run out of patience, I really really have! But what else is there? What else is left except for me to try and think about something else to fill my time and energy on and try and be a little bit more: In the words of Gary Barlow.... patient.......
So this week marks 13 weeks since last chemo. Chemo actually lasted 15 weeks. I cut my hair into a short pixie crop before chemo started and shaved it all off just before second chemo, so I have had no hair for approximately 25 weeks! 25 weeks! By now I thought I would have had an Annie Lennox style full covering of hair, I really did, I actually thought I would have that by Valentines day, but that day came and went, I thought I would have it by the time my cousins came for a visit on the 28th feb, but that wasn’t to be, I thought I would have it by the time of my best friends birthday on the 17th March, we are actually going out to celebrate on the 13th and no that is not to be either.
Oh don’t get me wrong I am not totally bald I do have quite a bit of growth and its quite even all over except for the front section which kind of makes me look like a balding old man, and according to most people my hair growth is really good, normal etc.....but that doesn’t stop me from feeling peed off, fed up and down right jealous of everyone else whose hair seems to be growing or has grown a lot faster than mine! How can this be? I am hairy, yes I will admit I am a very hairy woman – I am one of those people that hair grows really fast, people are always so jealous that I can cut my hair and it can grow long again so quickly, so what’s happened? I don’t get it? Maybe I got caught up in the excitement of all those ladies posting pics on my support group network YBCN whose hair had grown so quick after chemo, full coverings after five, seven, eight weeks! But me, what about me???
I was never even shiny bald, I always had a degree of stubbly bits, I never had that shiny egg head look so how comes ladies with the smooth heads are passing me by with their hair growth? Okay so I have shaved it down 3 times, in December, January and February but it needed to be done, the fluff needed to be gone and it needed to be evened out which it has so I don’t mourn the fluff that is gone by any means but still........why does the front take so long to come in? Why? I wonder this when I am sitting on my sofa of an evening watching my evening tele programmes massaging my head with essential oils which claim to promote healthy hair growth and I am concentrating on that front area – I kid you not I will sit there massaging for hours willing that front bit to come in and catch up with the rest. Every morning I run my fingers along the front section wondering if when I get up and look in the mirror there will be a change, wondering if what everyone says is true ‘it just seems to come in overnight’ well I am still waiting for my overnight miracle.
My bathroom is filled with products for hair growth, Lush new bar, Fast Shampoo and Conditioner, Alpecin Double strength shampoo, Nioxin shampoo and conditioner, Lush roots, Nioxin serum and scalp tonic and Lee Stafford hair growth spray. I mean how many products can one baldy use on ones head? For a while I even resorted to rubbing the holy water my dad bought back from the Monastery in Cyprus (which was meant for me to rub on my bad boob, I think) on my head! Can you imagine being so desperate you are rubbing holy water on your head? I realise I must seem quite mad, and very desperate, but I am sick and tired of waiting. I’ve had cancer for god sake, I’ve been through chemo, surgery and about to embark on a three and a half week course of radiotherapy and have already started Tamoxifen. I just want to be normal now, I am fed up now, sick of wigs and hats, sick of looking sick!
And while I am having a moan why are my eyelashes taking so long to come back too? I’ve had bottom lashes for a few weeks now, the top? Hmmm well they are almost all filled in but sooo short. Again, I am somebody who is usually envied for their long eyelashes, I just want them back and some hair! I’m not fantasising about long flowing locks, I don’t care how short or how long it is, I just want something, just to look normal again.
Maybe it’s because I am so desperate to put this episode behind me and get on with my life, or maybe it’s because I am a vain cow. I know I should be happy that the cancer is gone....for now...who knows what may happen in the future...and that there are many people with more problems to worry about that a bit of hair and I should shut my mouth and be grateful and also be grateful that my hair is growing back very dark – my normal colour and not grey.
All I will say is when you read the chemo handbook and it tells you to expect an even head growth between 3-6 months you should believe it and not got get caught up with some of the miracle stories and pictures you may see because quite frankly it will save you the upset and disappointment when you are not one of the lucky ones and if you are it will be a wonderful surprise you weren’t expecting. I wish I listened more to the girls that told me they didn’t have hair until around month 4 or 5 because I wouldn’t have been so disappointed now! I was convinced I would be one of the lucky ones! People keep telling me to be patient! Patient! I have run out of patience, I really really have! But what else is there? What else is left except for me to try and think about something else to fill my time and energy on and try and be a little bit more: In the words of Gary Barlow.... patient.......
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