Today was Boxing Day , two years ago I celebrated it with a pint or two of FEC-T, for those of you reading who don't know what this is, in a nutshell it's a pink chemo drug that beats the complete shit out of you..... so much so even typing the words brings an involuntary retch to my throat.
Fast forward two years on, the festive season is ending and I suppose we all reflect, I know I have and I have had a few epiphanies....
My babies are growing fast, I suspect this is the last year Santa will be left mince pies and it makes me sad, they are starting to have their own opinions, their own thoughts and believe in their own way of thinking which as a mother of girls is a tough one. I don't believe in Santa is the one line I won't want to hear next year but I hope with all my heart I will be here to hear it.
The mothers from my group who never made it are constantly in my thoughts. Their babies are 'celebrating' Christmas without their mumma. My heart aches with sadness when I think of them all. A cruel roll of a dice that made them unlucky. There are at least 9 children I know who have lost their mum to breast cancer. To know you are leaving your children must be the worst pain imaginable.
And so I have to replace those thoughts, put something in their place that means I don't burst into tears because my eldest rolls her eyes at Santa, I am there to see it, to feel it, to breathe it in and to wrap my arms around her still, which despite her protests at my display of over excited Elf emotion I do.
Having girls you worry about weather they will go through what you have? I have told them to have mastectomies, I figure prevention is the biggest weapon I have and boy am I going to bloody use it for them.
Back to my epiphanies... brought on by the emotions of Christmas and the cruel blows delivered to the online ladies going through treatment.....
Little girls are fed bull shit, I have decided, and I have also decided that I for one will not be filling my daughters heads with such bollocks.... The following apply and I will write it in a book if they want me to.
I do not believe in the following .....
Things happen for a reason
(What a load of crap! Like you are meant to get illness and sorrow)
Just wait, karma will deliver
(Again, bull steaming shit, no it doesn't, no one gets what they deserve, the rich get richer, the bad prosper and the good get taken advantage of and the sweetest, gentlest people have some terrible 'karma' delivered)
You are only given what you can handle
(Load of ...... You handle what you are given and put your gloves on and punch, you didn't receive it because you were stronger than Thelma the class shy girl)
Good things come to those that wait
(ha ha, yeah right, excuse me while I run in front of you cus if I don't get it for myself, it just ain't gunna happen, sit there if you want but I'm off )
I could go on but you probably think I am a bitter old hag, I know I am not. As a mother of girls I will bring them up with an inner strength, a mental strength that gives them power, power to make their bubble happy, to find true friendships and real love, the type that is not contaminated with fairy tale cliches that somehow justify suffering and pain and other people treating them like doormats. The only way to do this is to lead by example, to show them , for all the ladies that desperately wanted to but can't, I will .
And Santa will still get his mince pie even if my girls laugh at me, just because I can.