"I will love you until my dying day"
An open letter to my husband,
Tonight you told me you think I don't love you anymore. Let me tell you all the reasons you are so very wrong.
1. When I think about my future I worry there's no doubt about it. It makes me sad that I may not get to achieve the things that I want. But the two at the top of my list are discovering what our children become and being old, really bloody old with you, being naughty and having fun like we do and showing public displays of affection so that young people gag and tell us to get a room. Those are the two things I want above anything else. It breaks my heart that I may have that taken away from me. My heart swells for the love I have for you and the kids and it breaks a little every time I think I may not be around to share your whole lives with you and it breaks a little more when you think I don't want those things.
2. You still make me tingle. I fancy you despite your stinky farts, your stinky finger and your need to ask me to cut your toe nails for you. You think I don't because I'm not as physically intimate with you as I was. Well let me tell you I was in my mid twenties then. I wasn't running a household as such. I've since got older, acquired my own household and had another child and then not long after got diagnosed with breast cancer. Forgive me for being a little tired, its not the last thing on my mind at night. You are, the kids are, the safety of the house is, the kitchen that needs tidying and the endless clothes that need putting away are. And more recently my dark thoughts are. They haunt me at night time. The love I have for you doesn't need to be shown in a physical way. The love I have for you is much, much more than that. I know you are a physical person and I'm trying my best I promise you because I love you and I want you to be happy. I want to give you the things you desire. Especially if what you desire is me. Even now when I look like I do, trust me of all things I want to know that you still fancy me as much as I do you.
3. I love the way you love me. You are in essence a selfish person you acknowledge that but you can also be the most giving person when it comes to me and the kids. You've taken my child on as your own and you dote on our child like they are the Dali lama. I see that part of you that you hide away from others. I see your vulnerability and your need to be loved. It's the cutest thing when I am actually mad at you and I see how much reassurance you need that I'm not just going to walk out and leave. For all your bravado you are one of the kindest most loving people I know. You are a lazy arse but in-spite of that your ability to love and show me and the children love is second to none.
4.I love the way you talk in your sleep. And the way you can't lie to save your life. And the fun that we have. I love that we are so similar in our personalities that we just get each other. I love that you are clever and you are a perfectionist. I love that you are shit at diy so I get to do it and you let me despite me being a "woman". I love the way I can take the piss out of you and you just take it right back out of me. I love you. I love you. I love you.
And furthermore I continue to love you with everything I have despite the following.....
1. You are a pain in my arse, you moan that I moan at you but if you just did things without me asking (not moaning just asking) then what would there be for me to ask about? You know the household drills by now. Look around you can see what needs doing. You know my limitations and yet you still don't just do them so I have to ask (not moan) but you don't sometimes so I have to ask again and then when I eventually think I'm starting to sound like I'm moaning I do them myself and you tell me off cos you were going to do it! You are a self confessed lazy person and so am I but right now I'm world weary I'm going through the toughest thing I have ever been through in my life!!! And I've been through some really fucking tough shit. So it would be nice for once if you offered to cook dinner, or get the little ones dinner, breakfast, morning bottle or put them to bed. It would be nice to be asked what I want to watch on the tv and actually watch it together without you moaning that you don't like it, It would just be nice to feel looked after. But despite this I know you are finding things tough so I suck it up because I love you unconditionally. Plaster on a smile and get on with it when actually all I want to do is lay in bed and rest.
2. You hate acknowledging my breast cancer. You hate going to my appointments. You sit there and tell me how uncomfortable you are, how hot you are, how bored you are how you hate hospitals. Well I'm all those things as well, I hate all those things about hospitals. I also hate the fact that every time we go I get sticked with needles or scanned or told bad news or I'm made so unwell for a few days I actually question my ability to survive the medicine that's supposed to be making me well. I just want you to come to my appointments, I want you to want to be there to support me. I want you to hold my hand and reassure me. I'm sorry if this is selfish but however hard this is for you trust me when I say it's much, much harder for me. But because I know you find it hard and because I love you I make other arrangements so you don't have to go. It hurts my feelings a little that you don't put up any fight about wanting to be there but I push it to the back and embrace having everyone else take me because I love you and I don't want to see or feel you feeling uncomfortable with it all.
3. I hate that any time I try to bring anything up to get it off my chest and out in the open that you turn it around onto me somehow. Like it's all my fault. I can acknowledge my faults. You say I don't talk to you, all I do is moan at you and all I ever want to do is sit on my phone. You say all I talk about is breast cancer.......granted I do talk about it but it isn't all I talk about. I talk about the kids, I tell stories about my limited day. It's not like I've really done anything the last few months accept for be ill, do housework and look after the kids. It's not like I have a job to talk to you about. But you never open up to me about anything. I get small snippets of your day. I'm interested in this and I try to further the discussion but you quickly stop talking. You go out with your friends and I'm interested in this. You never want to talk about breast cancer so that limits that conversation but it's a topic that's constantly on my mind right now and I want to talk about it so I do.....On my phone. On the YBCN group. They all get it. I do that so I don't need to burden you with it all because I love you and I can tell you are struggling with it. They aren't close by to visit they are all over the country. On my other group again they aren't close. I talk to my friends mainly by text or Facebook because 2 weeks out of 3 I'm practically housebound and no one seems to want to visit the person who makes them question their own mortality. No one apart from three want to stare the possibility of death in the face. So despite the fact I may look like I'm always on my phone, which I'm not the only person guilty of, but its one of my only means of escape. It's one of my only means of not talking about breast cancer as well sometimes because I can chat to people about their days. About their poorly kids or give my own take on parenting when its requested. Or chat about mindless things, but we as a family are faced with the reality of it every single hour of every single day, but you don't want to talk about the bloody great elephant in the room. So I try not to bring anything up because I don't want an argument. I don't want to go to sleep angry and not wake up the next day. I don't want to die and my last words to you be in anger because I love you and I want all of our memories to be great ones. But sometimes things just need to be said and dealt with accordingly together as a team because we are a team. We are the best team you can get. We are husband and wife.
4. And lastly I know you work hard for all of us at work. I want to tell you how much I appreciate everything you do there to provide for us as a family. But it's horrible to think that you don't consider what I do at home not to be hard work when you aren't prepared to do it yourself. Trust me if I could I'd be out there earning till the cows came home. Please don't mistake my absolute fatigue as laziness. It's all I can do most days just to swing my legs out of bed and get on with the day. By the time the menial every day tasks are complete I'm pretty much done in. But I'm trying my best. On my better days I clean the bathroom and kitchen that require more than just a quick run over with an anti bac wipe. I do the washing so you have socks and pants and uniform for work and clean clothes for the kids. I tidy the toys properly rather than just dumping them in a slightly neater pile. I'm doing my best despite everything when all I want to do is give up, hide under the quilt and not get out until all this crappiness is over. Once again I plaster on the brave face because I love you and I want to be a good wife and mother.
All of that said. I do believe in the fundamentals of marriage. Why have a dog and bark yourself, but my bark is broken and I need you to bark for me at the moment. But it's not forever. I promise. I have dark thoughts and dark days but who wouldn't. And I know you do too secretly as well. I love you, I love us, I love our family with every fibre of my being.......... I'm scared what the future holds but I'm less scared with the knowledge that I'll have you by my side no matter what. My husband. And my family. Together my everything. I will never stop loving you all. Come what may, I will love you until my dying day........
Please love me till I'm me again. As I will continue to love you no matter what.
Like Janice says on friends "The way I feel about you, it's like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie's been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it's like movie love, you're my soulmate"
X x x x x x x x