Breast cancer awareness month: Deal with God

Author: Cim M


So I made my deal with God, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He can take me when my boys have finished school, college and university. Not any time sooner! They need me. I don’t want them growing up without their Mummy. I don’t want them being screwed up when they’re older.


Being a mum is the only thing in life that I got really right. The only thing I wanted and loved to do. I appreciate it, the journey I have had to get them both and my love for them is indescribable.

I made a deal with God, hoping, praying he would hear me. I’m not religious but if there is a God, I hope he hears my plea.


After surgery, chemo, radiotherapy, counselling, hormone treatment, going into the menopause at 31, surely he can give me a break? Surely he will grant my one wish?


He can take me when my babies are grown men, when they don’t need me so much. But I’m an adult and I still need my Mum, will they still need me then?


I made a deal with God, he can take me when my children have families of their own. My husband will be there for them. A wonderful, loving family unit.

My husband keeps making plans for the future, when we’re old. So I make a deal with God, he can take me when my husband and I have made so many more memories together. I want to grow old with him so much.


Maybe I can make another deal with God. That I will do good in the world and be the best possible human being I can be and he will let me die of old age. An old lady surrounded by all my family.


And it’s peaceful. And it’s calm and they will be ok without me.


So God, if you’re watching or listening, if you even exist, deal or no deal?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Write for the blog! This blog is one of a series being shared on the Young Women's Breast Cancer Blog UK during October, breast cancer awareness month, but the blog is here year round. If you are a young woman in the UK who has/had a breast cancer diagnosis and you would like to be a part of this blog, please have a read of the additional information here.

Check your breasts

Breast cancer can happen to any of us - regardless of age. Information about how to check your breasts can be found on the Coppafeel and Breast Cancer Now websites.

Further information and support:

Younger Breast Cancer Network UK - an online chat and support group for women under the age of 45 in the UK who have had a breast cancer diagnosis.

Baldly Beautiful - a YouTube channel with make up demonstrations, created by Mac makeup artist Andrea Pellegrini who went through chemo herself in 2014.

Take A Moment - This is a group for women (all ages) who have/had breast cancer who want to explore, reflect on and express their feelings and experiences through photography. This is a link to the public page - to join the group, send them a message.

The Osborne Trust - Providing children of parents with cancer the opportunity to access time out recreational activities whilst their parents undergo operations and treatments

Jen's Friends - Free heart-shaped pillows for women (and men) with Breast Cancer. Designed to provide comfort and protection after a Mastectomy operation.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Breast cancer awareness month: Humour hibernation

Author: Nicola H 


Last year during #BCAM (Breast Cancer Awareness Month) I was very aware of cancer. I was still stiff and sore following my Axillary Node Clearance surgery on 19th August and I was imminently about to start chemotherapy treatment. 


I never realised how annoying the pinkwashing of October could be until it was referring to me. The words Brave, Warrior, Soldier never made me vexed pre July 2014. These words imply that somebody has a choice in their “battle”. I by no means chose to have breast cancer. All I chose was the way it allowed it to affect me. I would rather use the word stubborn to describe my approach. I had cancer, it never had me. 


Cancer took my eyebrows, eyelashes and every other hair on my body but it was not getting my sense of humour. 


I made inappropriate jokes all through my treatment, it was my way of coping. However I think that all paled in comparison to how very inappropriate some of the “awareness” campaigns during October can be. The silly Facebook games where you change your status raise no awareness whatsoever. The wearing of pink doesn’t make you dash off and check yourself in the mirror for noticeable changes. What raises awareness is knowing the signs of breast cancer to look out for. Awareness is knowing about websites and resources such as Cancer Research UK, Breast Cancer Care, Breast Cancer Now and Macmillan where you can get support if you think you may have cancer. Awareness is knowing about stage IV metastatic cancer and that this is the only type of breast cancer that kills you and is incurable.


Please don’t think that I have lost my sense of humour after breast cancer, because I haven’t, but please be aware that during this month of perfect women flashing their bra straps or painting their perfect bodies pink for “charity” then bitching about how self-conscious they are about their boobs, my sense of humour may just go into hibernation until November.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Write for the blog! This blog is one of a series being shared on the Young Women's Breast Cancer Blog UK during October, breast cancer awareness month, but the blog is here year round. If you are a young woman in the UK who has/had a breast cancer diagnosis and you would like to be a part of this blog, please have a read of the additional information here.

Check your breasts

Breast cancer can happen to any of us - regardless of age. Information about how to check your breasts can be found on the Coppafeel and Breast Cancer Now websites.

Further information and support:

Younger Breast Cancer Network UK - an online chat and support group for women under the age of 45 in the UK who have had a breast cancer diagnosis.

Baldly Beautiful - a YouTube channel with make up demonstrations, created by Mac makeup artist Andrea Pellegrini who went through chemo herself in 2014.

Take A Moment - This is a group for women (all ages) who have/had breast cancer who want to explore, reflect on and express their feelings and experiences through photography. This is a link to the public page - to join the group, send them a message.

The Osborne Trust - Providing children of parents with cancer the opportunity to access time out recreational activities whilst their parents undergo operations and treatments

Jen's Friends - Free heart-shaped pillows for women (and men) with Breast Cancer. Designed to provide comfort and protection after a Mastectomy operation.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Breast cancer awareness month: Fried egg problems (part 1)

Author: Better Days

Finding the lump:
So I'm 39 and recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, yes breast cancer, its grade 3. So I guess this is my story of my new adventure and honestly I never thought my little set of fried eggs would cause so much trouble.
I have three amazing children, one boy aged 11 and two girls 8 and 9. I live with my partner of 21 years and our dog Dexter. I work full time as a youth work supervisor and extremely lucky that I love my job. I have a pretty good life and yes I could complain about this and that, but in all honesty we've got it ok, the bills are paid, there's food in the cupboards, clothes on our backs and life comforts. Ok theres no holidays or expensive treats but we are happy and have our health, or so I thought...

Here goes. Before Christmas 2014 I had a really bad kidney infection that decided to linger around till January, so I went back to the doctors, was prescribed more antibiotics. When I got home I decided to get a bath. When I was taking off my bra my hand brushed passed my right boob and I felt a lump.

So I prodded around thinking "no, no its not" and "oh shit it is" and then "no, no its not" (you get the picture). I asked my partner to feel the lump and we both had a "oh shit" moment. So the next day it was off to the quacks. I was referred straight away to the breast care unit, being told that it could take two weeks to be seen. Two weeks - it felt like a lifetime.


Telling people:
What can I say, how do you say it, what words do you use to tell someone you have breast cancer. Its simple you just say it, you can't sugar coat it or make it sound any different. It is what it is. Breast cancer.

I hate delivering bad news, I'm crap with emotions and all that stuff. Don't get me wrong if someone needs me then I'm there with tissues, hugs and will do anything I can to help. But if I'm honest I am crap at being honest about how I feel, I'm the one who helps fix people's problems not the other way round. So I told people in my way:

I was like "ok so I have breast cancer, its treatable, and you never know I might get that boob job I always wanted." I instantly noticed those around me go into "lets wrap her up in cotton wool" and the "I'm really sorry, if I can do anything just ask." The cuddles, the tears - wow it was so hard watching people's reactions - I'm a strong independent person, I'm the one who runs round, deals with stress - me not them.

When people say 'I'm sorry' in my head I just wanna say "why you sorry, you didn't give me cancer, my own body did." Its no one's fault, its just the way it is, its crap but shit happens. I now just have to deal with it, it's not gonna be easy but since when is life meant to be easy. I don't want to be the person sat rocking in a corner, I'm a fighter.

I dont want wrapping up in cotton wool, so I decided life goes on and explained that for now, before my surgery and treatment that all I want from people is normal business as usual, people can fuss when its needed. You see at this moment I dont feel ill, poorly, just tired but I have felt like that for months. I do realise that come next Friday after my surgery yeah I will feel like crap and need help but right now I need to be me, because the thought of having to ask for help and not being able to do right now scares the crap out of me. It's me that's the mum, the partner, the manager, the youth worker, it's me thats meant to do everything.

Once you tell people it's like all of a sudden you're the cancer, lots of questions, the looks of is she ok? People care and my god I am one lucky woman to have the people I do in my life. It would just be nice to be just me, just to forget even if its for a short time its not going anywhere yet, yes I have cancer but I'm not going anywhere, I havent disappeared.



The feckin MRI
So the feckin MRI, im calling it that because it got cancelled twice, so it was third time lucky. What a racket the MRI machine makes even with ear plugs in and what's with the music, you can't even hear it lol.

Now for the surreal moment of the results sat with the consultant and she's just "yes cancer in the right however the MRI has shown a mass, it might be nothing but we need to check." I think i did a "whatttt" moment, you know that moment where you kinda go really hold on a minute you're meant to be giving me my surgery dates not telling me you've found something else! I was just shocked and kept looking at my friend and saying the words "really", "wow" and "fuck". We had to wait for the ultrasound and we sat in the tears and sympathy room just attempting to make each other laugh, flicking through leaflets and discovering that a posh named sprout is actually crest!!
This was scary very scary. I already knew about my right boob having cancer, but cancer in both, in both!!

The ultrasound was more daunting than the one I had before, the nurse did her thing and I think she even sighed with relief when she discovered it was just cysts. I have never been so relieved in my life, the cancer is just in one. Ok the reality is that I will need to keep coppin' a feel and checking for lumps but it's not there at this moment. It truly was a rollercoaster ride all in a hospital unit.

They then changed my consultant and gave me my surgery date for 10th April. Things were back on track, you see my way of getting through this is step by step. OMG this step had truly changed into a escalator for a couple of hours. But back on track now I have a date and things can move forward.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Write for the blog! This blog is one of a series being shared on the Young Women's Breast Cancer Blog UK during October, breast cancer awareness month, but the blog is here year round. If you are a young woman in the UK who has/had a breast cancer diagnosis and you would like to be a part of this blog, please have a read of the additional information here.

Check your breasts

Breast cancer can happen to any of us - regardless of age. Information about how to check your breasts can be found on the Coppafeel and Breast Cancer Now websites.

Further information and support:

Younger Breast Cancer Network UK - an online chat and support group for women under the age of 45 in the UK who have had a breast cancer diagnosis.

Baldly Beautiful - a YouTube channel with make up demonstrations, created by Mac makeup artist Andrea Pellegrini who went through chemo herself in 2014.

Take A Moment - This is a group for women (all ages) who have/had breast cancer who want to explore, reflect on and express their feelings and experiences through photography. This is a link to the public page - to join the group, send them a message.

The Osborne Trust - Providing children of parents with cancer the opportunity to access time out recreational activities whilst their parents undergo operations and treatments

Jen's Friends - Free heart-shaped pillows for women (and men) with Breast Cancer. Designed to provide comfort and protection after a Mastectomy operation.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Breast cancer awareness month: A positive outcome

Author: Michaela


Everyone tells you to 'be positive' and' everything will be just fine'. I knew from the moment I found my lump that it wouldn't be fine; I think you just know.

But here's the thing, sometimes you do here a story about someone who got lucky when things could have been so much worse, and that is me. I hope my story can give someone in the early stages of this horrible journey some hope.

It was Mother's Day weekend and I'd been out with my mum and 2 sisters for ice cream and a weepy film. I got home to my husband baking cakes for me for Mother's Day and was told to wait in the lounge and DO NOT enter the kitchen! Love him! So I sat and caught up with the Facebook world. A work colleague who had recently finished her breast cancer treatment had posted something about checking your breasts. I NEVER check mine- because they are just lumpy and how could you possibly tell? I was horrified to find a very obvious lump which I cannot believe I hadn't noticed before.

The days that followed were just an emotional draining whirlwind. I was lucky to be seen by my GP and then the consultant within days. An ultrasound, core biopsy and mammogram were done and then an agonising 3 week wait for the results. In those 3 weeks I prepared myself for the worst. I was going to die and leave my two beautiful children without their Mum. My parents were going to lose their eldest daughter. Could my husband cope without me? Those 3 weeks of uncertainty were, without doubt, the worst 3 weeks of my life.

The results were as expected. I heard the words 'you have breast cancer' and the rest was a blur. What I didn't hear were the very positive comments that she made about how small the cancer looked, how the lymph nodes appeared to be clear. I had surgery 4 days later to have the lump removed and a sentinel node biopsy.

I felt devastated after the surgery. My lump was high up almost on my chest right on the edge of the breast. The scar I am left with is visible and if I'm honest, I hate it. I am not at a stage yet where I wear it as a battle scar to be proud of. Selfishly, I miss my nice shaped boobs and I miss being able to wear clothes to show them off. I don't think I will ever quite get over that part. Please don't judge me for that, I can't help it. I was most scared about having to have Chemo. I didn't want to lose my hair. I realise how pathetic and self aware I am, it's been a lesson in life that's for sure.

It's interesting how you learn so much about family and friendships at a time like this. I saw the pain in my husbands eyes and it made me understand how much he loved me. That had been something I'd doubted at times, but it was suddenly so real and clear. Seeing your Mum cry and say that she wishes she could have the Cancer instead of her little girl. That broke my heart- but I knew she meant every word. My Dad was a mess, he was so scared that he would lose me. And friends, interesting this. Some people you have been close to your whole life don't seem to know what to say, so they just don't say anything. That was very hard. Some friends, and work colleagues literally stopped speaking to me at all, instead talking about me to my husband. I know it's a hard thing to talk about, but from my experience, I know that I will always put my own awkwardness aside and make sure I speak to people. My family were amazing throughout; offering constant emotional support, practical help with childcare and cooking meals for us. A certain few friends now have an extra special place in my heart because of how they helped us through.

My results following surgery were as great as they could possibly be. A grade 2 cancer, only 18mm, all out with no spreading to the lymph nodes. The cancer was gone and best of all I did not need to have chemotherapy. Just 4 weeks of radiotherapy and 10 years of Tamoxifen. The radiotherapy was dull and a bit of a pain to get there every day but for me it was completely painless and I coped well throughout. Work were extremely flexible which helped too.

And here I am 5 months on, life seemingly back to normal, the nightmare of breast cancer hopefully a distant memory. Except it isn't for me, the reality is that I think about it every single day, that I am constantly scared I will get it again and not be so lucky next time. Everyone else around me has moved on and no one knows the mess my head is in. I've found I can't really talk to my husband about it as he always wanted to offer a solution, or tell me that I am being irrational. Which I know I am, but I just need someone to let me get the words out. I've decided to find out about some professional counselling, that way I can get the thoughts out of my head and friends and family can continue to move on and not feel I am being negative about my experience. I am awaiting the results of genetic testing now and hoping that a can of worms isn't opened from the results. Hopefully it is just me that randomly got this illness.

I know how very, very lucky I have been. Compared to many others I have literally had a brush from this terrible illness and have got away so lightly. Physically I am good, emotionally will take a bit more work! I want women to have hope that sometimes the outcome is ok, that if you find a lump early and act fast, the results are not always the worst.

X

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Write for the blog! This blog is one of a series being shared on the Young Women's Breast Cancer Blog UK during October, breast cancer awareness month, but the blog is here year round. If you are a young woman in the UK who has/had a breast cancer diagnosis and you would like to be a part of this blog, please have a read of the additional information here.

Check your breasts

Breast cancer can happen to any of us - regardless of age. Information about how to check your breasts can be found on the Coppafeel and Breast Cancer Now websites.

Further information and support:

Younger Breast Cancer Network UK - an online chat and support group for women under the age of 45 in the UK who have had a breast cancer diagnosis.

Baldly Beautiful - a YouTube channel with make up demonstrations, created by Mac makeup artist Andrea Pellegrini who went through chemo herself in 2014.

Take A Moment - This is a group for women (all ages) who have/had breast cancer who want to explore, reflect on and express their feelings and experiences through photography. This is a link to the public page - to join the group, send them a message.

The Osborne Trust - Providing children of parents with cancer the opportunity to access time out recreational activities whilst their parents undergo operations and treatments

Jen's Friends - Free heart-shaped pillows for women (and men) with Breast Cancer. Designed to provide comfort and protection after a Mastectomy operation.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Breast cancer awareness month: Cancer car crash

Author: Emma


I'm 16 months on from my initial secondary breast cancer diagnosis and as I sit here, pondering over what to write, I can't help but look back at my life since cancer and think what a car crash it has been. 

In the months leading up to my illness I was happy. I'd found a lump at the end of 2013 but had it checked and got the all clear. We really enjoyed that Christmas!! 

My life was going in the right direction. My partner of 3 years and I had got engaged, we'd talked about having a baby - a brother or sister for my brood of three from a previous relationship. He is in the army and was deployed to Afghanistan at the end of January 2014. He was on a 6 month tour.

I found another lump, underneath the original one, and went back to the breast clinic at the end of April to get it checked. I didn't think anymore of it. 

Then on the 2nd of May I was rushed into hospital. I'd started haemorrhaging at home.
It was a Friday morning and I was getting the children ready for school. I have never been so scared. I thought I was dying. I called an ambulance and my mum and that was the start of 3 weeks in hospital. Later that evening I was told I had breast cancer. WTF!! 

I had numerous CT and MRI scans over the weekend. I was still bleeding heavily and losing clots the size of mini footballs. I was alone and scared. I missed the kids. Then, out of the blue on the Monday, my partner walked in. He'd been flown home on special licence. I instantly felt safe. He was allowed to stay at the hospital with me - we had a private room. I had lots of visitors and the staff at the hospital became great friends. 

Then we received another blow on the Wednesday. I was told the cancer had broken away and got into my bones. I had secondary breast cancer. The kind you can't get rid of. The kind that people call terminal. I'm not sure where it came from but I found an inner strength and I was ready for the fight. I was not, in any circumstances, leaving my children or my loved ones any time soon. 

My partner and I set about planning our wedding. We arranged everything from our hospital room and got married 11 weeks later in Windsor. It was the best day off my life.
While in hospital I had 12 blood transfusions and 3 platelet ones. The reason I was bleeding so heavily is because the cancer was attacking my platelets - they're what make the blood clot. 

I was discharged after 3 weeks and started chemo just a week later. I had 18 weekly sessions and ended up back in hospital twice due to complications. 

I lost my hair, my eyebrows and my eyelashes. 


I also lost my new husband. 

My diagnosis proved too much for him. I was holding all this shit together, trying to be as normal as possible for the children but I wasn't getting any support from him. He went out for hours in the evenings while I was laid up on the sofa having just had chemo. He either withdrew into himself or was angry at the world. He took the not being able to have children together really badly. He said some nasty things. I had no more to give so I decided to end the marriage. I was doing everything for myself and the kids anyway and as horrible as it sounds, it was like having one less child to deal with. 


So that's why I refer to the past 16 months as a car crash. I was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer at the age of 35. It stole my chances of being a mum again. It completely trashed my marriage. And still now, it feels like I'm walking through the wreckage. My 16 year old daughter sees what cancer is doing to me - the days I'm shattered and can't walk up the stairs. I try to hide everything from her but she's not stupid. I get in the shower just to have a good cry. She has struggled recently with her mood and has had some counselling to try and help. I feel guilty that our lives have turned into this nightmare. I'd give anything to be normal again. 


By Emma x

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Write for the blog! This blog is one of a series being shared on the Young Women's Breast Cancer Blog UK during October, breast cancer awareness month, but the blog is here year round. If you are a young woman in the UK who has/had a breast cancer diagnosis and you would like to be a part of this blog, please have a read of the additional information here.

Check your breasts

Breast cancer can happen to any of us - regardless of age. Information about how to check your breasts can be found on the Coppafeel and Breast Cancer Now websites.

Further information and support:

Younger Breast Cancer Network UK - an online chat and support group for women under the age of 45 in the UK who have had a breast cancer diagnosis.

Baldly Beautiful - a YouTube channel with make up demonstrations, created by Mac makeup artist Andrea Pellegrini who went through chemo herself in 2014.

Take A Moment - This is a group for women (all ages) who have/had breast cancer who want to explore, reflect on and express their feelings and experiences through photography. This is a link to the public page - to join the group, send them a message.

The Osborne Trust - Providing children of parents with cancer the opportunity to access time out recreational activities whilst their parents undergo operations and treatments

Jen's Friends - Free heart-shaped pillows for women (and men) with Breast Cancer. Designed to provide comfort and protection after a Mastectomy operation.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Breast cancer awareness month: But Not Me – Could have. Would have. Should have.

Author: Detrice M

Detrice writes at www.detricematthews.wordpress.com



So sad to hear.
Somebody else's news,
but it would not happen to me.

Someone else's mother, someone else's daughter,
but it could not happen to me.

One day when, in the future.
Perhaps by chance?
but probably not to me.

'I can only imagine'. 'You poor thing',
but it would not happen to me.

'Of course I will check', tomorrow. Or the next day,
but it could not happen to me.

I am young, I am healthy. I am busy,
but it should not happen to me.

Could have. Would have. Should have.
just may be too late.

 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Write for the blog! This blog is one of a series being shared on the Young Women's Breast Cancer Blog UK during October, breast cancer awareness month, but the blog is here year round. If you are a young woman in the UK who has/had a breast cancer diagnosis and you would like to be a part of this blog, please have a read of the additional information here.

Check your breasts

Breast cancer can happen to any of us - regardless of age. Information about how to check your breasts can be found on the Coppafeel and Breast Cancer Now websites.

Further information and support:

Younger Breast Cancer Network UK - an online chat and support group for women under the age of 45 in the UK who have had a breast cancer diagnosis.

Baldly Beautiful - a YouTube channel with make up demonstrations, created by Mac makeup artist Andrea Pellegrini who went through chemo herself in 2014.

Take A Moment - This is a group for women (all ages) who have/had breast cancer who want to explore, reflect on and express their feelings and experiences through photography. This is a link to the public page - to join the group, send them a message.

The Osborne Trust - Providing children of parents with cancer the opportunity to access time out recreational activities whilst their parents undergo operations and treatments

Jen's Friends - Free heart-shaped pillows for women (and men) with Breast Cancer. Designed to provide comfort and protection after a Mastectomy operation.* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Breast cancer awareness month: Finding Out My Family History

Author: Tamsin

I was aware of cancer when I was growing up but it wasn’t something that we talked about. My aunt had breast cancer in her fifties but lived well into her seventies, my nana eventually died of breast cancer, although not until she was in her eighties. In our early twenties, my sister and I saw a genetics specialist and we both remember the doctor’s parting words - “You have nothing to worry about. Go, live your life!” So that’s what we did.

I won’t ever forget the beautiful Spring day in May 2009 when I realised I had breast cancer. It was not long after my fortieth birthday and I was in my step-dad’s garden in North Wales. I watched two hawks fly high, high up in a blue sky. I remember the long grass and the smell of the earth. My step-dad had died a few weeks previously and I was thinking about how much he would have enjoyed having me and my sister at home. It had been during his illness that I first noticed a change above my left breast, a few centimetres below my collar bone. Lying back in the grass, I traced the outline of a crab-like shape. There was something about the way it gripped tightly to my ribs that frightened me and I was alarmed to find that it had grown without me noticing. I made an instant decision to return home to London to see my GP. When, two weeks later, I found out that I had breast cancer, I wasn’t surprised and felt relief that the waiting was over and at last we could do something.

My Oncologist asked about my family history and we talked about me being referred to a Cancer Genetics clinic when I finished my chemotherapy - he thought it might be too much to deal with while I was going through my treatment. I completed a long and detailed questionnaire about my family history over Christmas, contacting my father - who I am not in touch with and didn’t grow up with - so I could fill in the forms. It was at this point that I began to realise that there was a history of breast cancer in my father’s, as well as my mother’s family. Although fewer women were affected, their cancers had been deadly. Our family tree looked as though a forest fire had burned through the generations. I was desperately sad to learn that my paternal grandmother had died of breast cancer a few days after my birth and that we had both been diagnosed at exactly the same age.

In March 2010, the genetics Consultant explained that I appeared at low risk of having an inherited mutation and was not eligible for genetic testing. I was asked to take part in a research study looking for other mutations and I agreed readily, wanting to do my bit to contribute to the development of science. The study also tested participants for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 mutations.

In the year I waited for the results, I began to ‘move on’ as they say and to re-build my life. My hair grew back and my body recovered. There were even days when I wondered whether I had actually had cancer at all. I tried not to worry when the appointment finally came around in March 2011. Sadly, it’s only when you have had a cancer diagnosis that you really understand what it’s like to wait for scan, or test results; the sick fear that sits like a toad in the pit of your stomach, the bargaining that goes on in your head. My strategy ‘to prepare for the worst and hope for the best’ sounds glib but the reality is that I end up in a kind of madness, swinging between wild optimism and hopeless despair!

Finding out, seemingly against the odds, I did have a BRCA1 mutation came as a total shock. It’s the only time through everything that has happened that I have cried in front of a doctor. All I could think about was my daughter, my sister and half-sister. I felt like having the gene was my fault; that I was cursed. It scared the shit out of me.

I spent the weeks that followed desperately trying to find positives - ‘Oh well’ I thought ‘At least that explains why I got breast cancer’ or, ‘No one else in my family will have to go through breast cancer.’ It took a long time before I appreciated that I too faced ongoing risk; just because I had got one breast cancer didn’t mean I wouldn’t get cancer again. I felt like a cancer-bomb ready to blow up.

If like many people, your views about inherited mutations are based on the brave - and public - accounts given by Angelina Jolie Pitt, you might reasonably expect that once I found out I was a cancer-bomb, risk-reducing surgery was a no-brainer. Not a chance! I found that I really did not want to have a bilateral mastectomy. I had developed a deep fear of hospitals after my first brush with cancer and never wanted to set foot over the threshold of a hospital again. And anyway I quite liked having breasts, even if they had tried to kill me. But, I rationalised, I definitely didn’t want cancer again so I would just have to have surgery. But, then I didn’t want surgery with all its associated risks and pain. I kept going round and round, trapped in a Mobius strip of indecision.

I contacted Breast Cancer Care and the National Hereditary Helpline and spoke to other women, to find out how they had coped and what decisions they had made. I saw an amazing counsellor at Maggie’s who helped me to think about what my breasts meant to me, as a woman, as a mother, as a lover. I realised that I was never going to ‘want’ to have my breasts removed, that even though I did not want risk-reducing surgery, I could go ahead with it because it was ‘the least worst option.’ Over time, I learnt to feel empowered by my awareness about my ongoing risk; unlike my aunts and grandmothers, I had the opportunity to choose how to live with my risk and give myself the best chance of living a long and healthy life.

I did go on to have mastectomies about 6 months later but unfortunately, they were not without complications. A second breast cancer was discovered from the tissue removed from my breasts and I had to have more chemotherapy. It was a particularly sneaky cancer because it had not shown up on any of my scans so unwittingly my decision to have surgery may have saved my life. I had my ovaries removed the following year.

Through a process of elimination, we found out that I had inherited the BRCA1 mutation from my father’s side of the family, not my mother’s family as we had thought. I also found out I had a half-sister. It wouldn’t be right to share my sister and half-sister’s stories, but I’ve found it incredibly hard to stand by and watch them grapple with their own genetic heritage.  

So many women in my family had breast cancer, but I know nothing about their experiences. I find myself wondering what they thought about their illness, how they felt and coped. I can hardly bear to think of my daughter having to deal with our family history in the future but my greatest hope is that if and when the time comes, I will still be here to help and support her. I dedicate this blog to her, to my mum and the future generations of my family.      

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Write for the blog! This blog is one of a series being shared on the Young Women's Breast Cancer Blog UK during October, breast cancer awareness month, but the blog is here year round. If you are a young woman in the UK who has/had a breast cancer diagnosis and you would like to be a part of this blog, please have a read of the additional information here.

Check your breasts
Breast cancer can happen to any of us - regardless of age. Information about how to check your breasts can be found on the Coppafeel and Breast Cancer Now websites.

Further information and support:
Younger Breast Cancer Network UK - an online chat and support group for women under the age of 45 in the UK who have had a breast cancer diagnosis.
Baldly Beautiful - a YouTube channel with make up demonstrations, created by Mac makeup artist Andrea Pellegrini who went through chemo herself in 2014.
Take A Moment - This is a group for women (all ages) who have/had breast cancer who want to explore, reflect on and express their feelings and experiences through photography. This is a link to the public page - to join the group, send them a message.
The Osborne Trust - Providing children of parents with cancer the opportunity to access time out recreational activities whilst their parents undergo operations and treatments
Jen's Friends - Free heart-shaped pillows for women (and men) with Breast Cancer. Designed to provide comfort and protection after a Mastectomy operation.* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *