So this week marks 13 weeks since last chemo. Chemo actually lasted 15 weeks. I cut my hair into a short pixie crop before chemo started and shaved it all off just before second chemo, so I have had no hair for approximately 25 weeks! 25 weeks! By now I thought I would have had an Annie Lennox style full covering of hair, I really did, I actually thought I would have that by Valentines day, but that day came and went, I thought I would have it by the time my cousins came for a visit on the 28th feb, but that wasn’t to be, I thought I would have it by the time of my best friends birthday on the 17th March, we are actually going out to celebrate on the 13th and no that is not to be either.
Oh don’t get me wrong I am not totally bald I do have quite a bit of growth and its quite even all over except for the front section which kind of makes me look like a balding old man, and according to most people my hair growth is really good, normal etc.....but that doesn’t stop me from feeling peed off, fed up and down right jealous of everyone else whose hair seems to be growing or has grown a lot faster than mine! How can this be? I am hairy, yes I will admit I am a very hairy woman – I am one of those people that hair grows really fast, people are always so jealous that I can cut my hair and it can grow long again so quickly, so what’s happened? I don’t get it? Maybe I got caught up in the excitement of all those ladies posting pics on my support group network YBCN whose hair had grown so quick after chemo, full coverings after five, seven, eight weeks! But me, what about me???
I was never even shiny bald, I always had a degree of stubbly bits, I never had that shiny egg head look so how comes ladies with the smooth heads are passing me by with their hair growth? Okay so I have shaved it down 3 times, in December, January and February but it needed to be done, the fluff needed to be gone and it needed to be evened out which it has so I don’t mourn the fluff that is gone by any means but still........why does the front take so long to come in? Why? I wonder this when I am sitting on my sofa of an evening watching my evening tele programmes massaging my head with essential oils which claim to promote healthy hair growth and I am concentrating on that front area – I kid you not I will sit there massaging for hours willing that front bit to come in and catch up with the rest. Every morning I run my fingers along the front section wondering if when I get up and look in the mirror there will be a change, wondering if what everyone says is true ‘it just seems to come in overnight’ well I am still waiting for my overnight miracle.
My bathroom is filled with products for hair growth, Lush new bar, Fast Shampoo and Conditioner, Alpecin Double strength shampoo, Nioxin shampoo and conditioner, Lush roots, Nioxin serum and scalp tonic and Lee Stafford hair growth spray. I mean how many products can one baldy use on ones head? For a while I even resorted to rubbing the holy water my dad bought back from the Monastery in Cyprus (which was meant for me to rub on my bad boob, I think) on my head! Can you imagine being so desperate you are rubbing holy water on your head? I realise I must seem quite mad, and very desperate, but I am sick and tired of waiting. I’ve had cancer for god sake, I’ve been through chemo, surgery and about to embark on a three and a half week course of radiotherapy and have already started Tamoxifen. I just want to be normal now, I am fed up now, sick of wigs and hats, sick of looking sick!
And while I am having a moan why are my eyelashes taking so long to come back too? I’ve had bottom lashes for a few weeks now, the top? Hmmm well they are almost all filled in but sooo short. Again, I am somebody who is usually envied for their long eyelashes, I just want them back and some hair! I’m not fantasising about long flowing locks, I don’t care how short or how long it is, I just want something, just to look normal again.
Maybe it’s because I am so desperate to put this episode behind me and get on with my life, or maybe it’s because I am a vain cow. I know I should be happy that the cancer is gone....for now...who knows what may happen in the future...and that there are many people with more problems to worry about that a bit of hair and I should shut my mouth and be grateful and also be grateful that my hair is growing back very dark – my normal colour and not grey.
All I will say is when you read the chemo handbook and it tells you to expect an even head growth between 3-6 months you should believe it and not got get caught up with some of the miracle stories and pictures you may see because quite frankly it will save you the upset and disappointment when you are not one of the lucky ones and if you are it will be a wonderful surprise you weren’t expecting. I wish I listened more to the girls that told me they didn’t have hair until around month 4 or 5 because I wouldn’t have been so disappointed now! I was convinced I would be one of the lucky ones! People keep telling me to be patient! Patient! I have run out of patience, I really really have! But what else is there? What else is left except for me to try and think about something else to fill my time and energy on and try and be a little bit more: In the words of Gary Barlow.... patient.......
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