Eight months ago I felt a fairly integral part of the general population and certainly of my own middle class mostly incredibly fortunate community. I have always been a bit of a mild mannered anarchist at heart and my style is often to purposely choose the barely beaten track. Looking back on that now I couldn't have chosen a wilder less trodden path than the one I'm now on if I'd tried.
Now I am not a depressive or dark character I am actually a very upbeat sort of a gal who tends to just keep going always at a steady unrelenting jog. But lately my thoughts are more complex, an insidious oil slick of colours, hues of grey and black but with rich and vivid metallics in shades of green, purple and blue similar to the dramatic and all seeing eye of a peacocks tail.
The day I finished chemo I started to write, words just started to seep from my mind. I will admit to always having had a severely under occupied intellect and thus a very cluttered and busy mind, for the past few years I have been tending contentedly to my children, their education and my husbands career, my mind a relentless melange of varying philosophies, business ideas and unwritten theses. With hindsight the knowledge (I say knowledge as I had already been a cancer host for at least 18 months prior to diagnosis) of my breast cancer meant my already crowded mind quickly reached capacity and all new thoughts had to find an outlet. I'm sure this is why I started to type that day six weeks ago.
I love my life, I really do I am one of the most fortunate people I know, yes we've had health, money, business, parent and relationship issues but who hasn't that is an integral part of the pattern of life but I love my life and I am incredibly content in amongst the humdrum of my everyday existence. But what is missing now since my diagnosis are a significant number of my friends.
I have become slightly estranged from many of my friends over the last few months, some due to their apathy, some due to their lack of strength and maybe some due to my apparent phenomenal strength and independence. I have found that after the stomach blow of disappointment and the anger that many of your favourite human beings have almost inevitably it now seems let you down I am left with what can only be described as perhaps a mild resentment towards "the innocents".
The strange thing about this is that I'm not resentful that "the innocents" don't have cancer, not at all I wouldn't wish that on anyone or anything. I'm not bitter or angry that I did or do (I'll never know which it is unless it rears it's head again. I am currently classed as no evidence of disease the sometimes elusive NED sought by many cancer hosts). I seem to resent the general population or many of them for their insipid apathy towards all that makes them feel uncomfortable and it would appear that now includes me. It is difficult for them apparently to know what to say or what to do. They don't want to say the wrong thing, they don't want to ask or is it really that they don't want to know. They don't want to face the terrifying prospect that one day the sucker punch wall of life can throw you one almighty blow you won't even see coming, that is until you realise your nose is clearly broken due to the unmistakeable taste of blood in your mouth. I cannot comprehend this foolish but conscious choice to be so complacent. To pretend that life isn't fragile and precious, to risk all this by thinking out loud enough to be heard, "it won't happen to me". How dare they, why do they believe they are so different to me? I have never committed any crimes against humanity of any sort, I have always tried to be a kind person. I try to forgive. I always ate my greens!
I often look at "the innocents" the ones I know and feel that they show a blatant disregard for life! They occupy themselves with such triviality rather than face the real issues of life that can shape and change your character and make you feel truly alive. Have they not stopped to see, to learn the lesson from me, any one of them may already be in the same position just blissfully ignorant thus far and even if they are not, any one of us could be lost today to misfortune such is the fragility of this wondrous life. Having said that I do not mourn the ignorant life of before I do not envy "the innocents" I am happy in my new awareness, I just wish to continue in this new found state of awe and wonder for the rest of my natural days.
I am truly sorry if I embarrass them, I'm sorry it's hard to find the words but neglect is disrespectful and I have been upset and angry to have been sidelined and in fact forgotten. I forgive them all for they are indeed "the innocents"
I'm not currently dying and as a friend I have so very much to give. I am in fact so very much more alive than "the innocents".