Breast cancer awareness month: Back

Author: Sarah P

I want to go back.

 

Back to carefree drinks in the sun.

Back to impromptu days out with my daughter Eva.

Back to holidays in the sun and staying out all night because I could.

 

Take me back to the place where I could wear anything as long as it was a size 8 and I looked god damned hot.

Back to hair straighteners and wine before nights out.

 

Back to working confidently and winning pitches for fun. Being respected as a leader in my field.

Back to laughing. Back to kissing the man I thought loved me.

 

Back to underwired bras and matching underwear.

 

Back to the time where a new relationship didn’t mean baring my soul and my flat chest before anyone gets the chance to love me again.

 

Back to not seeing the look of fear and sorrow in my mum's eyes.

 

Back to a time when I didn’t know what chemotherapy was. Didn’t know the difference between HER2+ and triple negative.

Back to before my veins collapsed from too many needles and the days where I didn’t need painkillers to get through the day.

Back to having 2 perfectly good tits.

 

Back to before the pitying looks that say “thank god it’s not me”

 

Back to the days where I didn’t worry that my 7 year old daughter might grow up and inherit the bastard breast cancer.

 

I want my life back.  I’ve lost too much.  Every day hangs heavy with the threat of “what if”…….every day I carry the grief of what I have lost but also gratitude that I have a second chance.

 

Back to having Penny in my life. That hurts the most.  She should be here with me.  Looking forward and not back. Together.

 

I want my life back.

 

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Write for the blog! This blog is one of a series being shared on the Young Women's Breast Cancer Blog UK during October, breast cancer awareness month, but the blog is here year round. If you are a young woman in the UK who has/had a breast cancer diagnosis and you would like to be a part of this blog, please have a read of the additional information here.

Check your breasts

Breast cancer can happen to any of us - regardless of age. Information about how to check your breasts can be found on the Coppafeel and Breast Cancer Now websites.

Further information and support:

Younger Breast Cancer Network UK - an online chat and support group for women under the age of 45 in the UK who have had a breast cancer diagnosis.

Baldly Beautiful - a YouTube channel with make up demonstrations, created by Mac makeup artist Andrea Pellegrini who went through chemo herself in 2014.

Take A Moment - This is a group for women (all ages) who have/had breast cancer who want to explore, reflect on and express their feelings and experiences through photography. This is a link to the public page - to join the group, send them a message.

The Osborne Trust - Providing children of parents with cancer the opportunity to access time out recreational activities whilst their parents undergo operations and treatments

Jen's Friends - Free heart-shaped pillows for women (and men) with Breast Cancer. Designed to provide comfort and protection after a Mastectomy operation.

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